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Love horror movies and TV? So do we. Walk down our track and enter our cabin of horrors…

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Torture porn

31 Days of Halloween – Day 23 – Martyrs (2008)

Martyrs is one of the most extreme and disturbing horror films ever made. Don’t go into this one if you’re sensitive – it’s brutal and full on. Ignore the recent US remake too.

A young girl – Lucie – escapes a disused abattoir after being physically abused and held captive for many years; 15 years later she has her revenge on her captors. Her friend Anna (Morjana Alaoui) becomes embroiled in the sinister, abusive underworld that Lucie had experienced, discovering an underground chamber where girls are tortured and killed. She encounters the terrifying Mademoiselle (Catherine Begin) who explains the concept of ‘martyrs’ and what they are trying to do in their ‘experiments’ – they inflict torture on young girls to try and glimpse the afterlife through their suffering.

Anna becomes the next experiment for Mademoiselle and her team, and this is where Martyrs will really test you. It’s a hard watch.

ARE THERE ANY LAUGHS IN IT? No

GORE RATING: 5/5

SCARES: 2/5

DISTURBIA: 5/5

TOTAL HALLOWEEN VIEWING RATING: 10/10

Watch it for: It’s a masterpiece of extreme horror, if you can stomach it 

Watch out for: The infamous ‘flayed alive’ scene 

31 Days of Halloween – Day 9 – The Devil’s Rejects (2005)

Rob Zombie’s movies are always brutal, and The Devil’s Rejects is no exception. A sequel to House of 1000 Corpses, the film follows the murderous Firefly family and the sinister Captain Spaulding (Sid Haig) as they torture and kill their way through anything that tries to stop them – or just for fun.

It’s actually a pretty good road movie, and there’s a scene where the tables are turned on the Firefly clan which has you rooting for them. They’re depraved, they’re dirty, but boy are they good fun.

IS SHERI MOON ZOMBIE IN IT?: Of course

GORE RATING: 3/5

SCARES: 2/5

DISTURBIA: 3/5

TOTAL HALLOWEEN VIEWING RATING: 6/10

Watch it for: Bonnie and Clyde vibbbbbes

Watch out for: That truck

31 Days of Halloween – Day 1 – Creepshow (1982)

‘Tis the Season to be Spooky – it’s our favourite time of the year and we’ll endeavour to watch 31 horror movies (the old classics, plus some new deep dives) throughout the course of October.

And what better place to start…Creepshow scared us silly as children, and it’s a fond one to revisit each Halloween. A horror anthology, it’s directed by George A. Romero with five scary tales written by Stephen King; Father’s Day (‘I want my cakeeeeeeee’), The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill (played by King himself), Something to Tide You Over (truly haunting torture porn with Leslie Nielsen and Ted Danson), The Crate (Oh. My. God) and They’re Creeping Up on You (one NOT to watch if you don’t like cockroaches).

HOW CREEPY?: Verryyyyyyyyyyy creepy

GORE RATING: 2/5

SCARES: 4/5

DISTURBIA: 4/5 – try getting Something to Tide You Over out of your head 

TOTAL HALLOWEEN VIEWING RATING: 10/10

Watch it for: Ted Danson having a very bad beach day

Watch out for: An unusual cake 

Review: The Zero Boys (1986)

Recently released by Arrow Video on Dual Format Blu-Ray + DVD, The Zero Boys is a cult 80s horror classic mixing humour, stalk and slash and a terrifying early entry into torture porn. Director Nico Mastorakis keeps the action at high pace, with some truly grade A shots of the classic ‘cabin in the woods’ scenario and the threat coming at you from out of the dark. This film is stylish and you can easily see why it’s so memorable and well loved for horror fans out there.

The Zero Boys play paintball games, and they’re shit hot at it. They used to be rubbish – hence the ‘zero’ rating in their name – but now they’re really good! They wear great shorts and muscle tops, have good hair, cars and bag all the best babes. When they take their girlfriends on a trip to the mountains and think they see a girl running through the woods, they investigate and come across a deserted cabin. They decide to stay and throw a party, but end up discovering THE MOST GRUESOME MASSACRE IN HISTORY. With heads in fridges and girls filmed with plastic bags over their heads, The Zero Boys paved the way for Hostel, Saw and all the recent hardcore torture porn flicks.

Being shit hot paintball players, they then need to utilise their skills to stop the serial killing locals around the cabin. This becomes a fight to death in the woods, a Rambo/Deliverance vibe where our heroes – who are GOOD – attempt to defeat the baddies. It’s essentially American heroes vs whatever you perceive the threat to be, that ol’ horror chestnut.

There’s also a great score by Hans Zimmer, which just adds to the kudos of the film. Check it out. You won’t be disappointed.

TOTAL RATING: 9/10

GORE RATING: 2/5

SCARES: 2/5

DISTURBIA: 2/5

Watch it for: The banter of the Boys

Watch out for: Don’t look up at the ceiling

Review: The Devil’s Rejects (2005)

Rob Zombie’s sequel to 2003’s House of 1000 Corpses is a fantastic piece of filmmaking – set to a 70s soundtrack of Lynyrd Skynyrd, Allman Brothers and Joe Walsh, this exploitation film is brutal and sadistic, showcasing the talents of Zombie as a director and screenwriter. It’s one hell of a ride – a western, a revenge flick, throw in a bit of torture porn and a little mix of road movie – delivered with style and substance. It feels more whole compared to 1000 Corpses, which was gloriously demented and all over the place.

Rejects follows on neatly from the previous movie, as Sheriff John Wydell (William Forsythe) and his State Troopers bust the Firefly family home, the scene of over 75 grisly murders. With Mother Firefly (Leslie Easterbrook) taken in, Otis (Bill Moseley) and Baby (Sheri Moon Zombie) escape and vow to meet up with Captain Spaulding (Sid Haig) at a nearby motel. Of course they do anything to get by…thrown in with the usual unnecessary torture and murder.

The film concentrates on Wydell’s hunt for the gruesome trio, across dusty Texan landscapes and via a seedy brothel. The cinematography by Phil Parmet itself is stunning, something Zombie brings to all of his films; his take on Halloween was also divinely shot. All actors put in formidable performances; Forsythe’s Wydell hell-bent on his own form of justice, and Spaulding, Otis and Baby taken with a huge dose of black humour as they dish out their perverse violence.

It’s an intelligent movie, and not quite the ‘nasty’ a lot of media have made it out to be.

TOTAL RATING: 7/10

GORE RATING: 3/5

SCARES: 1/5

DISTURBIA: 4/5

Watch it for: Sheri Moon Zombie’s wonderful Baby

Watch out for: THAT truck. Aaaaargh!

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